Expectation of Satisfaction

I went on a word journey today. Have you ever done that? Or is it just me that used to read the dictionary when I was younger? Anyway, all that aside, I met with two of the most beautiful women I know for lunch today. Our times together are an incredible snapshot of God's unconditional love to my heart. They know all about me and amazingly still love me!
We were figuring things out; you know sharpening one another by our experiences since the last time we met, then the "f" word came up. FEELINGS! Now may it be known that the last couple weeks, my feelings have been managing me, rather than me managing them.
I was sharing about how I was having a conversation with God this morning. I wanted Him to be specific with me about why I have trouble finishing things. It seems that I get to a certain place and then BOOM, I hit a brick wall and come to a standstill. Like completing my blog site for example) I then proceed to kick myself for not finishing, feel worse, compare myself to another, feel even worse. You see where this is going, nowhere fast!
As my friends related to what I was saying, one of them suggested it was boredom. She said she seems to start something, get bored with it and not want to complete it. We asked the question what is boredom? (all the while I am just itchin' for a dictionary) My other friend said perhaps it is just a feeling! Earlier we were discussing how feelings, although God given, can become so distorted if we allow them to rule our thinking. So if boredom is just a feeling.....
Hence began the word journey. Boredom according to dictionary.com says the state of being bored. One of the definitions of state is a particular emotional condition! A FEELING! I cried tears of joy; you mean I can manage this? And God quickly interjected with, no YOU can't but WITH me you can! The question then came, why am I so bored? Answered quickly with there is some gnawing sense of dissatisfaction in me. Dissatisfy - to fail to satisfy, disappoint. Disappoint - to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of!
Sometimes it is my own expectations that I am trying to fulfill out of some longing I feel is missing. The feeling deceiving me is that I am not measuring up. As I dig deeper into this gnawing, God's gentle voice speaks into my spirit. You will not find this anywhere but in me. He reminded me of Psalm 62:5 WEB 'My soul, wait in silence for God alone, for my expectation is from Him'
And so I agree with Mick Jagger's lyrics here , I can't get no satisfaction. I try and I try and I try and as long as I keep trying to do it all myself, I can bet that I will not find it. The next time I am bored I will dig deeper, I will turn my face again toward God and wait in silence for Him alone.