A Heart Displayed

My heart is grieved today. It is for the things that I have done right. Does that sound ridiculous? A new urgency was placed in me to deal with matters of my heart that God has revealed. Yesterday I heard from a talk, your behaviour cannot outpace your heart. Meaning whatever is in your heart will eventually manifest in your actions, regardless of how good we behave and try to cover it up.

All these years I have tried to do the ‘right thing’. I have had the appearance of being nice, when underneath I may have been in judgment of the person receiving my ‘good’ behaviour. I have laughed and smiled appropriately (at least appropriate to my audience, but possibly at things inappropriate that grieved God). I have put others before me (although sometimes begrudgingly with selfish motives). I have acted for many different parts but yet never been in a play.

Do you hear my heart? Do not get me wrong, there have been plenty of authentic moments in me. I have been nice truthfully, laughed honestly and genuinely cared and helped others. I believe that I am basically a good willed person. It is just that my methods and motives have sometimes been whacked or off course. As I shared last time, there is nothing that I can do to atone for the bad in me. Jesus’ sacrifice of His life is the only act that can cover that.

I believe that as I have asked God to reveal the things in me that keep me far from Him, He has been faithful in removing the scales from my eyes. As my heart has been laid out there, I see that it is not only my ‘obvious sin’ that keeps me stuck. Things such as anger, judgment, hurtful words. It is also the hidden sin in my heart, jealousy by comparing myself to others, hidden anger from things unresolved, pride that hides my insecurities, the addiction of my people pleasing to cover over my deepest fears.

It is the things I have done with wrong motives, to get something from someone, to look good so no one is disappointed with me, for God to bless me, to change someone. This is what grieves my heart when I see them with God's eyes. I have shared from Timothy Keller’s book before, The Prodigal God. He tells of how not only the younger rebellious son is far from God, but the elder son, the ‘righteous one’ also. He may even be further because his ‘sin’ doesn’t look as ugly as the other. He states, ‘His spiritual problem is the radical insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievements and performance, so he must endlessly prop up his sense of righteousness by putting others down and finding fault.’

As I repented of this behaviour I believe God gave me a picture of being a reflector. You see in my ‘goodness’, I believe I have given the impression that God’s love is conditional. If you are’ as good as me,’ then He will love you. Ironically, I haven’t truly believed that He really did until recently. In the process I have been a deflector, putting myself and others off the course of His unconditional love. Praise God for His grace and patience.

2 Corinthians 4:7 says, ‘But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.’

Thankfully it is not our weakness or our frailties that define us – it is the treasure (the power of God in us) that defines us. We who call ourselves Christians, and please be careful to use that term seriously, we contain God! Does that not just blow your mind!

Lord, Thank you for entrusting me with your treasure. Forgive me for deflecting your love from others and myself by misusing the love and forgiveness you granted me. Help me live in the humility of the truth that I am only a jar of clay and that you are the power in me. In Jesus’ name, Amen

The Other Brother

I received a beautiful journal from my daughter, Tessa, for Mother’s Day. In it was a quote that stated, ‘I write to experience life twice.’ That is it I thought, the essence of my heart to write. I also believe it is the joy in being able to read what experiences God has given others to share in their books. I love when something I read brings a paradigm shift in my thinking and beliefs. I am reading such a book right now called ‘The Prodigal God’ by Timothy Keller.

It is especially beautiful when you know what you are reading is a direct answer to prayer. I have been praying for some time that God will reveal what is in my heart that keeps me from fully loving Him. I am only halfway done this book but I know that He has placed His finger on the ‘heart’ of my matter.

The premise of the book without fully giving it away is based on the story of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:1-32) The author states how our focus is usually on the rebellious younger son, and how he is far from God but is forgiven when he comes home and repents. We forget about the elder brother though, who also is far from God but it doesn’t look as ugly. (My words!) He seems to be doing the ‘right things’ being the ‘good’ son. Pride is his sin, but you can’t really ‘see’ that.

Timothy Keller says,’ The people who confess they aren’t particularly good or open-minded are moving toward God; because the prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it.’

Wham! It was like God hit me between the eyes. Now I have been on both sides of the table here. I have definitely been the rebellious one, doing things my own way, committing out right sin, following a dark path seeking to find fulfillment. I saw my need for God in a sweet moment about 8 ½ years ago, so I made a commitment for Christ to be my Saviour. Then I followed hard after Him, trying to do all the ‘right things’, trying to earn my way into His heart, to be ‘good enough’.

“Pride in his good deeds, rather than remorse over his bad deeds, was keeping the older son out of the feast of salvation. The elder brother’s problem is his self righteousness, the way he uses his moral record to put God and others in his debt to control them and get them to do what he wants. His spiritual problem is the radical insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievement and performance, so he must endlessly prop up his sense of righteousness by putting others down and finding fault. Mr. Keller goes on to say, “What must we do then to be saved? To find God we must repent of the things we have done wrong, but if that is all you do, you may remain just an elder brother. To truly become Christians, we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right.”

I have been forgetting that I am not good and no matter how hard I try, I alone will not reconcile that fact. Only the blood of Jesus does that for me. I am missing the true gospel when I run from God or I try too hard to act like God! Timothy Keller calls it self -salvation. To be honest this revealing of the darkness in my heart is a little hard to take. I am trusting God’s timing in it as I lay it all before Him and pray for healing in these places.

I was remembering before God saved my life, my outright sin numbed out my need for Him; until I was fully desperate to have Him and saw that need for a time. As I began to walk with Him, the pride in my ‘goodness’ began the numbing process all over again. I believed in God but I didn’t believe Him! Oh Lord, forgive me! I came to a place of desperation again, tired of trying so hard to be good. This is the exact place He wants me to be.

John 1:12 ‘Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.’ The sweet part of this heart change for me, is I am really believing deep down in me , probably for the first time ever, that these promises pertain to me! As God peels away these layers, He has invited me to come as a little child.

Yesterday I observed a young child following his father in the park. The boy stayed a few steps behind, never losing sight of him. He knew he needed him for his direction, he trusted that his father knew where he was going. His father would turn occasionally to look him in the eyes and nudge him forward. When he started to trail too far behind, he stopped and reached out his hand and encouraged him to hold on.

When I recognized my ‘lostness’ I knew it was God who showed me. So now I will take His hand and trust Him to hold on as I follow.

Do you see either brother in yourself? Sometimes it is hard to recognize. Ask God to reveal your heart and trust Him with the results.

The 'C' Words

‘We become what we think about.' - Earl Nightingale

Did you know that there are 4 stages to becoming competent? We have all had occasion to progress through these places as we become good at something. Unfortunately I think we can also go through these stages in creating bad habits or behaviours. I have been considering this process a lot lately as God brought three ‘C’ words to my awareness.

Complaining

Criticism

Comparison

‘We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ’. 2 Corinthians 10:5

Pretension – the laying of a claim to something. I believe that these particular ‘C’ words set the stage to lay a claim. When we practice these types of speech we come up against the knowledge of God and create an atmosphere of defeat.

I never really realized how much complaining I did in a day until I read the book ‘A Complaint Free World’ by Will Bowen. He has a website that you can go on to order bracelets to do a 21 day challenge to be complaint free. Can you imagine what our world would be like if people didn’t complain?

He proposes in order to go through this process we do the 4 stages of becoming competent, or four stages of learning as Maslow theorized.

Stage #1 – Unconscious Incompetence

At this stage of the game, you might refer to me as oblivious. I complain but I am not aware of it, nor do I realize the deficit in my character (blind spot, some may say) Why would I want to do anything about it, there is nothing wrong!

Proverbs 14:16' A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless.'

Stage #2 - Conscious Incompetence

Ewwww, I see the ugly part of me. I am aware. It is becoming more real but is almost too overwhelming to do anything about at this stage. As it seeps into my consciousness, I am more aware of others who do more or less complaining than I do, and it is becoming uncomfortable.

Proverbs 18:2.' A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.'

Stage # 3 – Conscious Competence

In my awareness, effort is needed to stay competent. At this stage is when I am trying to be deliberate to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ. I do not want this to be a part of my nature and I know God is the only One who will make a true change in me. Here is the place where the mothers saying, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ comes into play. Sometimes it is eerily quiet!

Proverbs 10:19, 'When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.'

Stage #4 – Unconscious Competence

Practice, Practice, Practice is the old adage. Is this where Philippians 2:14 comes to light? ‘Do everything without complaining or arguing’ Another saying is fake it till you make it! This is where I am aware and I have practiced and now it comes naturally. I become very aware of how others sound as well. I have chosen to surround myself with like people.

So what is your choice? What kind of people do you want to attract by the things you say? How are you giving God glory in your speech?

Proverbs 12:18,' Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.'

By the way, I have not officially started the 21 day challenge, but I will let you know when I get my bracelet. I am trying to stay aware. Sometimes I need to ask God to muzzle me, but whatever it takes. Will you join me on this challenge?

P.S. Get ready because this challenge includes gossip as well......