I received a beautiful journal from my daughter, Tessa, for Mother’s Day. In it was a quote that stated, ‘I write to experience life twice.’ That is it I thought, the essence of my heart to write. I also believe it is the joy in being able to read what experiences God has given others to share in their books. I love when something I read brings a paradigm shift in my thinking and beliefs. I am reading such a book right now called ‘The Prodigal God’ by Timothy Keller.
It is especially beautiful when you know what you are reading is a direct answer to prayer. I have been praying for some time that God will reveal what is in my heart that keeps me from fully loving Him. I am only halfway done this book but I know that He has placed His finger on the ‘heart’ of my matter.
The premise of the book without fully giving it away is based on the story of the prodigal son. (Luke 15:1-32) The author states how our focus is usually on the rebellious younger son, and how he is far from God but is forgiven when he comes home and repents. We forget about the elder brother though, who also is far from God but it doesn’t look as ugly. (My words!) He seems to be doing the ‘right things’ being the ‘good’ son. Pride is his sin, but you can’t really ‘see’ that.
Timothy Keller says,’ The people who confess they aren’t particularly good or open-minded are moving toward God; because the prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it.’
Wham! It was like God hit me between the eyes. Now I have been on both sides of the table here. I have definitely been the rebellious one, doing things my own way, committing out right sin, following a dark path seeking to find fulfillment. I saw my need for God in a sweet moment about 8 ½ years ago, so I made a commitment for Christ to be my Saviour. Then I followed hard after Him, trying to do all the ‘right things’, trying to earn my way into His heart, to be ‘good enough’.
“Pride in his good deeds, rather than remorse over his bad deeds, was keeping the older son out of the feast of salvation. The elder brother’s problem is his self righteousness, the way he uses his moral record to put God and others in his debt to control them and get them to do what he wants. His spiritual problem is the radical insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievement and performance, so he must endlessly prop up his sense of righteousness by putting others down and finding fault. Mr. Keller goes on to say, “What must we do then to be saved? To find God we must repent of the things we have done wrong, but if that is all you do, you may remain just an elder brother. To truly become Christians, we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right.”
I have been forgetting that I am not good and no matter how hard I try, I alone will not reconcile that fact. Only the blood of Jesus does that for me. I am missing the true gospel when I run from God or I try too hard to act like God! Timothy Keller calls it self -salvation. To be honest this revealing of the darkness in my heart is a little hard to take. I am trusting God’s timing in it as I lay it all before Him and pray for healing in these places.
I was remembering before God saved my life, my outright sin numbed out my need for Him; until I was fully desperate to have Him and saw that need for a time. As I began to walk with Him, the pride in my ‘goodness’ began the numbing process all over again. I believed in God but I didn’t believe Him! Oh Lord, forgive me! I came to a place of desperation again, tired of trying so hard to be good. This is the exact place He wants me to be.
John 1:12 ‘Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.’ The sweet part of this heart change for me, is I am really believing deep down in me , probably for the first time ever, that these promises pertain to me! As God peels away these layers, He has invited me to come as a little child.
Yesterday I observed a young child following his father in the park. The boy stayed a few steps behind, never losing sight of him. He knew he needed him for his direction, he trusted that his father knew where he was going. His father would turn occasionally to look him in the eyes and nudge him forward. When he started to trail too far behind, he stopped and reached out his hand and encouraged him to hold on.
When I recognized my ‘lostness’ I knew it was God who showed me. So now I will take His hand and trust Him to hold on as I follow.
Do you see either brother in yourself? Sometimes it is hard to recognize. Ask God to reveal your heart and trust Him with the results.
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