My heart is grieved today. It is for the things that I have done right. Does that sound ridiculous? A new urgency was placed in me to deal with matters of my heart that God has revealed. Yesterday I heard from a talk, your behaviour cannot outpace your heart. Meaning whatever is in your heart will eventually manifest in your actions, regardless of how good we behave and try to cover it up.
All these years I have tried to do the ‘right thing’. I have had the appearance of being nice, when underneath I may have been in judgment of the person receiving my ‘good’ behaviour. I have laughed and smiled appropriately (at least appropriate to my audience, but possibly at things inappropriate that grieved God). I have put others before me (although sometimes begrudgingly with selfish motives). I have acted for many different parts but yet never been in a play.
Do you hear my heart? Do not get me wrong, there have been plenty of authentic moments in me. I have been nice truthfully, laughed honestly and genuinely cared and helped others. I believe that I am basically a good willed person. It is just that my methods and motives have sometimes been whacked or off course. As I shared last time, there is nothing that I can do to atone for the bad in me. Jesus’ sacrifice of His life is the only act that can cover that.
I believe that as I have asked God to reveal the things in me that keep me far from Him, He has been faithful in removing the scales from my eyes. As my heart has been laid out there, I see that it is not only my ‘obvious sin’ that keeps me stuck. Things such as anger, judgment, hurtful words. It is also the hidden sin in my heart, jealousy by comparing myself to others, hidden anger from things unresolved, pride that hides my insecurities, the addiction of my people pleasing to cover over my deepest fears.
It is the things I have done with wrong motives, to get something from someone, to look good so no one is disappointed with me, for God to bless me, to change someone. This is what grieves my heart when I see them with God's eyes. I have shared from Timothy Keller’s book before, The Prodigal God. He tells of how not only the younger rebellious son is far from God, but the elder son, the ‘righteous one’ also. He may even be further because his ‘sin’ doesn’t look as ugly as the other. He states, ‘His spiritual problem is the radical insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievements and performance, so he must endlessly prop up his sense of righteousness by putting others down and finding fault.’
As I repented of this behaviour I believe God gave me a picture of being a reflector. You see in my ‘goodness’, I believe I have given the impression that God’s love is conditional. If you are’ as good as me,’ then He will love you. Ironically, I haven’t truly believed that He really did until recently. In the process I have been a deflector, putting myself and others off the course of His unconditional love. Praise God for His grace and patience.
2 Corinthians 4:7 says, ‘But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us.’
Thankfully it is not our weakness or our frailties that define us – it is the treasure (the power of God in us) that defines us. We who call ourselves Christians, and please be careful to use that term seriously, we contain God! Does that not just blow your mind!
Lord, Thank you for entrusting me with your treasure. Forgive me for deflecting your love from others and myself by misusing the love and forgiveness you granted me. Help me live in the humility of the truth that I am only a jar of clay and that you are the power in me. In Jesus’ name, Amen
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